I have come to the realization that I need to seriously, seriously get over this and move on. I have tried and tried before, but honestly I don't think I tried hard enough. This is not healthy for me. I have never been the type of person to allow someone or something take a toll of my thoughts, nor will I allow it to happen anymore. If it is a chance of doubt from the beginning, then I normally let it go at the sign of this doubt. But this... I have held on to this for about a year now. Obviously, this is not something small and thrown to the side. But now, I shall make it just that... small.
In the end, I know it is what is best for me. This whole time I have not been thinking about myself, even when I was told to thinking about myself, I didn't. I was hard-headed, and it fucked me over to be quite honest. I know, I am worth more than what I gave myself, and what was given. And I put entirely too much of myself into this subject, when from the beginning I never knew if I would or would not benefit from this. Yet, I did because I was all in. I honestly do not take anything back that I did. Regrets are something that I cannot take lightly, which is why I respect and stand by my decisions during this recent year. I will admit, I have been in denial for the most part, but luckily I am not foolish to continue to allow my feelings drag on. I know I would be ten times more hurt then what I am as of now. It was genuine, true and noble without a doubt, and my mind, soul and spirit were completely all in, I'm talking peddle to the metal, burning rubber. Not saying that I wouldn't do it again, I just know not to be so quick to put myself on the ledge again.
I know I would have been happy and in a good spot if it would have happened, but it didn't. I can't read the future but I am presuming it never will. Yet, I know it was not my lost... Well, I may have lost just a little. I'm grateful for knowing what it felt like to actually, I'm guessing be in love or very very close to it. Because I can genuinely say it was true, at least to me. I know this was all really really. . . really bad timing, but I am one that will not complain. Yeah... I cried in silence, I've given everything away and maybe I can learn to fall for someone who can give me all. The things that I'm not afraid to lose. I just know for the first time in my life, I refuse to worry about the future, however things turn out, it's all right. Cause he has already changed my life. But I'll just end this a long goodbye. kbye :)
Signed,
Chrysta Camille West
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